Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Baby Classes - the 2nd Installment

Dear Peanut

Daddy and I have just done week 5 of 6 weeks of classes all about how to care for a baby. This week was all about Breast feeding and Daddy has been looking forward to this all week, it's all about the Boobies he said.

First we had to each pull an item out of Louise's goodie bag and then say what relevance we think it has to breast feeding. I pulled out a Wine glass, yes you heard right a wine glass. I had 2 thoughts about what it could be for, 1 would be they were going to tell us that baby only drinks the equivalent of 1 standard glass of wine per feed the other and far more sensible was that they were going to tell us that any form of alcohol was "FORBIDDEN". Well it wasn't quite that bad, good ole Louise then explained how and when we can drink whilst breast feeding. I listened very intently, must get that right I don't want you all drunk and falling down at such a young age.

Daddy grabbed the Breast Pump, a hideous looking contraption that will cause RSI in the wrist and I am sure would be like milking a cow but worse, it would be like milking ME.

There were some other fun topics that came out of the items handed around, the colour and regularity of poos you will do in the first 4-6 weeks, the difference between formula fed babies and breast fed and the all important nutrients of breast fed babies.

Oh the pressure of breast feeding, it will make you smarter and have better teeth and have better eyesight and a great immune system. Daddy wasn't breast fed and he has perfect vision and is very smart and has great teeth and all the men on his side of the family all have a full head of hair at old age, if you are a boy lets hope you take after his side, my family has male baldness issues.

Another item to crop up was an ice cube tray, apparently this has 2 uses, 1 is for freezing water into ice to use for soothing engorged breasts or making bourbon and coke, the other is for storing breast milk for use at a later date. Lets hope the bourbon and milk drinkers don't get their ice mixed up.

Louise then whips a box out of the cupboard and hands us your stunt double, a rubber baby, naked with moulded boy bits and asks for us to assume the position of breast feeding, I whilst trying to juggle the extra piece of cake I got from the break we had just had was very confident that I could manage the eating of cake and juggling of "Stunt Baby" into the assumed feeding position. Mission accomplished, there were the 2 types of holds, the standard baby across the belly and then there was the Football hold where baby is tucked under your arm and attached to the nearest boob, whilst Jamie comments "should you put your arm out to defend off any attackers" as per rugby. There was a little snicker around the room from his comment.

Louise prattled on, I lost a little bit of concentration, because I had Stunt Baby to play with, so I was moving legs and arms, patting Stunt Baby on the back, which Louise must have seen because she said they don't teach the patting on the back technique for burping anymore because of an increase in "Shaken Baby" cases that have happened in recent years, it is a simple rubbing on the back, no back slaps, baby is not choking. My mind wandering yet again, thinking of wine drinking strategies and how funny it would be if Daddy mixed up the milk cubes with the ice cubes and then "Stunt Baby" leaps from my hands and falls to the ground with a thud, there was a few gasps of horror as naked rubber baby bounced around the floor and landed in the face down position, more than 2 dolly steps away from me. Loudly I stated "oh dear" and promptly waddled the 2 steps and groaned to bend over to pick up "Stunt Baby" off the ground and the entire room burst out laughing, including Daddy and I.

I was close to going into hysterical uncontrollable laughter and was soon silenced by my thoughts of what if that was my real baby. I am soooo not ready for this.


LisaW said...

hehehehe...this is too funny! You should be writing a book.

Cass said...

When it's your on baby you give them to someone else to hold while you finish your cake. ;)